I'm sorry, I'm a bad friend

Last Wednesday, I was watching glee reruns. There's a song that reminded me of my old friend. Since 2002, there were no news from him. He used to pop to my house monthly or every 2 months, the longest was 6 months. My family especially my mom is close to him. They will spend hours talking about stuff, he had the patience to keep up with my mom's endless topics. That was 2002, the last time I saw him, we had an argument. 

Then he disappeared from my life.

I thought he was upset with me and abandoned our friendship.

2012, I was planning my wedding. I tried to look for him. Because he promised he will always be there for my big moments. We will be there for each other for our big moments. I tried. I searched thru social media and endless google. Nothing. We don't have common friends din talaga and I don't want to go Nancy Drew and look for his parents' house.

2014, I'm happy. Happy with my Mr. Panda. I could not ask for anything more. I resigned to the fact that my dearest friend abandoned me. It's ok, things like that happen. Friends come and go.

But last Wednesday at 3am while waiting for my husband to finish his work. I typed his name again at google.

And I saw his obituary. He was killed at May 19, 2005. I didn't know. 9 years. I cried. I cried myself to sleep, Mr. Panda is hugging me. That afternoon, I went to the memorial park with my mom and  my husband. His grave was a few feet away from my relatives (and we visited them regularly) my mom cried and I tried to hold back my tears. But for 3 days, my tears wont stop. I lost my friend. No closure of our argument. I want to apologize to him and tell him I didn't mean what happened years ago.

I'm sorry I teased you about your name and our 5 years age gap. I'm sorry I missed your birthdays and didn't give you gifts when you visited me every Christmas day. I'm sorry when I brushed you off  before. I'm sorry when I cringed with your sermons. I'm sorry for the times I was at home for your afternoon calls. I'm sorry I hated you for some time, for missing my big moments. I'm sorry I was not there last May 2005. I'm sorry for the words left unsaid. I'm sorry I'm a bad friend. I'm sorry I was not able to tell you I got married at my 28th. I'm sorry Ian, I'm really sorry.